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The same applied to love. My first husband and I met in a yoga class, and in quick succession I was pregnant, married, and then a mother. But as the wedding approached, I felt panicked. I longed to settle down but felt emotionally ill-equipped for the burdens and discomforts that came with it. Being trapped in a house with a spouse I couldn’t get along with while caring for a young baby became unbearable. There was never any question I would leave; it was only a matter of when. (I would later write about that period and its aftermath in a divorce novel of my own called Synchronized Breathing; at the end of the book, the protagonist has taken steps to find out who she is without a man, throwing herself into creative work. There is the possibility of love on the horizon, but nothing’s wrapped up in a bow.)Oklahoma Sooners On Saturdays Dallas Cowboys On Sundays Mascot Premium Shirt
Still, I decided to try again in my 40s—and my second husband, Rob, and I have now been married for 13 years. Nobody is more surprised about this than I am. At times I have had to choose marriage each day in the way I imagine an addict chooses sobriety. What my friend refers to as the pause-and-attend factor (having to pause whatever she’s doing to attend to her partner’s needs when he’s home) sometimes feels about as natural to me as peeling my skin off. But after so much instability, the fantasy of escape—of belonging to myself and my own desires—has slowly lost its allure. When Rob and I met, he was divorced and busy raising his four kids, his life a type of free-floating chaos. Over the nearly six years that we dated, I liked to paint him as the one with the resistance to getting married again—the one who wasn’t all-in on committing—until my best friend gently shattered that illusion: “Everybody knows it’s you.” When I was younger, I longed to meet a man who was experienced, whom I felt safe with. Now, my challenge was to stay with him.
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