Officials Shut Up Tony Romo Go Bills Shirt
In my adolescence, the fight turned emotional and metaphysical, mirroring the peaks and valleys of hormonal mood shifts. I always wanted most that which didn’t want me back, and I settled for what I could have. The act of acquiring became the thrill I sought most, and the more competitive the acquisition, the bigger the rush. As a teenager on Long Island in the 1990s, I poured myself into skintight Farlow jeans, which ran only from sizes 1–5. (I barely made it into a 5, and how they looked—skintight on the right leg, baggy on the left—was beside the point.) I held my breath to zip up my Z-Cavs, whose tapered waists happened to hit at the bulkiest part of my middle, where a mass of flesh a classmate once referred to as “a meatball” sits. I happily wore screaming-neon Hotdogger parachute sets, which would have shouted “Look at me!” if every other girl in my middle school didn’t also have one.Officials Shut Up Tony Romo Go Bills Shirt
There were times my body felt innocuous. There were times it felt like icky goo, as if someone who accidentally touched me might recoil when they realized that their hands were now infected, dripping with deformity. I never loved my body—at best I tolerated or ignored it; at worst, I considered it an adversary to conquer—and there were times clothes conspired to help me not-love it. As a teenager, I desperately wanted Justin boots, but they fit only on my slimmer left foot, no matter how much lotion or butter I slathered on my right, which is very, very wide. I remember watching Stacy Gartenlaub easily slip her Justins over three pairs of slouch socks because her feet were so narrow, it was the only way she could keep them on. It felt like we were from different planets. I told myself I couldn’t wear the clingy ribbed 1960s-inspired poor-boy sweaters that came back into fashion around the same time, even though, unlike the Justins, I could physically get them on my body. I wanted to—I liked them—but I had decided at some point that my back had to remain concealed at all times. It was as if I had signed a contract with the world to keep parts of myself out of sight.
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